F.A.Q.

Frequently Asked Questions

• What sort of people buy RealHamsters?
• Can I get a catalogue?
• When will you offer a SHE-MALE RealHamster?
• What is the price for a RealHamster?
• How are RealHamsters shipped?
• Can I customise my hamster?
• Does the fur have a foul odour or flavour?
• What if I don't fit with my RealHamster's sex parts?
• Tell me more about the RealHamster suction effect.
• Can a RealHamster stand upright, unsupported?
• Does a RealHamster come with clothes? What clothes can it wear?
• What are the RealHamster's cosmetic features?
• Tell me more about the fur fabric.
• How strong and flexible are a RealHamster's joints?
• How do I clean my RealHamster?
• What is your return policy?
• Do you offer teledildonic RealHamsters?
• Are RealHamsters Year 2000 compliant?

Question: What sort of people buy RealHamsters?

RealHamster customers include futurists, artists, animal lovers, film-makers, engineers, computer scientists, health-conscious types, housewives, househusbands – you name it. We provide RealHamsters to single men or women, couples seeking to spice up their sex lives, librarians looking for exotic bookends or anyone who is willing to pay outrageous sums of money for the ultimate buggering hamster (for whatever reason).

Question: Can I have a catalogue or more information mailed to me?

Sorry, we don't offer a printed catalogue. All useful information about our RealHamsters is here on this website. Besides, a printed catalogue would greatly increase our ecological footprint.

Question: When will you offer a SHE-MALE RealHamster?

We're not quite sure what such a critter would look like. Since, however, the willy and vaginal options are independent on all models, we should have no trouble coming up with your idea of a SHE-MALE RealHamster. Please advise us of the relative positioning of the genitalia.

Question: What is the price for a RealHamster?

The Standard RealHamster with two entries is $3,999. The Deluxe three-entry RealHamster is $4,249. Shipping is $50 within New Zealand. Complete information about ordering can be found on our ORDERS page.

Question: I read somewhere that you offered a less expensive sackcloth hamster. Where can I buy it?

Our sackcloth hamsters have been discontinued. They were extremely difficult to engineer and were nowhere near as popular as any of our fur fabric hamsters – our testing staff refuse to have anything to do with them. We will not resume fabrication of sackcloth hamsters.

Question: Why do you charge so much for RealHamsters?

A RealHamster would probably be cheap at twice the price. RealHamster engineering is labour intensive and the component cost is high. We've bent over backwards to make RealHamster affordable while keeping the high performance, realistic look-and-feel and lifelike flexibility our customers demand of the world's finest buggering hamster.

Question: Do you offer a payment plan?

Yes. To qualify for the payment plan, however, you must send to us your firstborn. Our interest rate ranges between 11 and 22½ percent per annum, depending on the result of an asset test performed on your immediate family.

Question: Where else can I buy a RealHamster?

RealHamster cannot be purchased from anywhere but a private sale or this website.

Question: How are RealHamsters shipped?

Each RealHamster is shipped by standard freight in a rugged cardboard box purporting to contain something innocuous such as a 20" Trinitron monitor. The box has child-proof opening instructions and is sealed with brown packing tape. The box is a cube approximately 76 cm across and weighs as much as 30 kg when packed. The hamster is buried deep inside the box in a pile of wood shavings.

Question: Can I customise the look of my hamster? Can you mill a custom head or likeness from an AutoCAD file?

The RealHamster is a custom engineered hamster. You can select from a wide variety of colours and configurations on our ORDERS page. There are certain colours and features we don't yet offer. Sometimes we can handle requests for unusual colours or modifications to the cybernetics, but we don't design and build new cybernetics for single orders.

Question: I can't really visualise the critter I want from the colour options listed. Could I send in a centrefold from What Hamster and let you sort out the colours instead?

Certainly. We can exactly reproduce fur colouring and styles from magazine pages, right down to the staples and the very last halftone dot.

Question: Does the fur have a foul odour?

No. A RealHamster's fur has a distinctive musky smell, just like the real thing. For added realism, the female models go into Extra Smelly Mode roughly once every four days.

Question: Does the fur have a foul flavour?

No. Expert hamster-tasters all over the world agree that RealHamsters are representative of the world's finest tasting hamsters.

Question: What if I don't fit with my RealHamster's sex parts?

A RealHamster's oral, vaginal and anal cavities are independently adjustable to snugly accommodate any willy up to 7" in length and 5½" in circumference without the need for duct tape. A RealHamster's passages are computer controlled and hydraulically adjusted 50 times per second to maintain a lifelike feel for any willy for which the RealHamster is calibrated. The willy profile is securely encrypted and stored on a robust MEPROM.

The adjustment procedure for any RealHamster is reasonably straightforward:

1. Erase the MEPROM: Place the RealHamster in a microwave, set the power to maximum and the cooking time to one minute. Allow to cool for two minutes afterwards.
2. Choose an orifice and lubricate with vaseline, wet-set jelly, graphite or Celtic Misht, the ultimate personal lubricant.
3. Penetrate the RealHamster as you would normally.
4. With both hands, squeeze the RealHamster tightly until the feel is just right.
5. While maintaining the hand pressure, thrust with an in and out motion for at least 30 seconds.
6. Repeat steps 2-5 for the other orifices.

A multi-user upgrade ROM and a larger MEPROM will be available soon.

If for any reason you still can't fit into your RealHamster, please come to us. Our friendly staff at the RealHorse beta-testing facility would really like a visit from you.

Question: Tell me more about the RealHamster suction effect.

After a few thrusts in any RealHamster entry, a partial vacuum is formed inside the cavity, a powerful but safe suction effect. Many RealHamster owners have reported intense orgasms due to this feature, especially dairy farmers who find their milking machines no match for their meat.

Question: Does the hamster include any electronic features which enhance the pleasure experience, such as a vibrating rectum?

Each RealHamster is equipped with not so much a vibrator as a computer controlled, hydraulically actuated artificial passage for each orifice, the most powerful one assigned to the anal entry. The passages rhythmically constrict uniformly or in waves, depending on both the stimulus given to the hamster and its basic programming. One model, Thumper, does include a vibrator in addition to the natural-feeling passages. Bear in mind that this vibrator is very powerful and extremely dangerous to operate whilst riding a motorcycle or flying a helicopter.

Question: Can its claws slash you into ribbons?

Only Shredder's claws can do that. All other RealHamster claws are quite harmless.

Question: Can a RealHamster stand upright, unsupported?

Yes, either on all four paws, or just the hind paws and its tail. A RealHamster has the poise of a hamster eagerly waiting to be buggered.

Question: Can it support itself enough to do it doggy style?

Certainly, though you'll need a table and some G-clamps if hands-free operation is required. Our marketing people are currently conducting an extensive research programme into the viability of a future RealDog, for the ultimate in doing it doggy style.

Question: Does a RealHamster come with clothes?

At present, no RealHamster model is shipped with clothes of any kind. We are working on a Beatrix Potter variant that will feature a blue-and-white checked gingham dress, a frilly bonnet and daring lingerie.

Question: I want to start shopping for my hamster's clothes now, before it arrives. Is this a good idea?

Not really. Always take your hamster with you when shopping for clothes.

Question: Are there items of clothing which can actually damage the hamster?

Yes. Neckties interfere with the operation of the RealHamster's CPU and its anal passage actuators. Prolonged use of neckties can lead to irreversible damage to these components.

Question: Are tiger stripes or Frisian cow spots available?

No. You can, however, use a permanent ink marker to draw such markings on your hamster.

Question: Can I pierce its ears, nipples, etc.?

Yes. You can pierce any of a RealHamster's extremities.

Question: Can I dye the hamster's fur to a different colour?

Yes. Ordinary hair dye can be used to colour the hamster, though the effect works best when the dye's colour is the same as the original colour of the fur.

Question: Can a RealHamster's fur be styled normally?

Yes. A RealHamster's fur can be easily be styled to make the hamster resemble Brad Pitt, Sean Connery, Sebastian Bach, Fabio, or any fun-fur sack filled with hammers.

Question: Can I use cosmetics on my RealHamster?

Yes. All cosmetics designed for hamsters work very well for RealHamsters.

Question: Tell me more about the fur fabric. What are its properties? What should I be aware of? What if I'm allergic to it?

The high grade of fur fabric used for RealHamsters is a spin-off from NASA's space programme. It has a high tensile strength, resists matting and is unlikely to cause allergic reactions to anyone.

Question: What is the lifespan of fur fabric? Will it shed? Do I need to worry about fleas or anything like that?

Fur fabric does not shed much at all, even at the beginning of summer. Five years of vigourous shelf testing show less than 0.03% loss in furriness. With recommended buggering techniques, A RealHamster should last centuries.

RealHamster fur is not particularly attractive to fleas. Most fleas which might fall onto a RealHamster can simply be brushed off, vacuumed or dismissed with colourful language. The bigger and stroppier fleas can be easily be destroyed by passing the hamster close to a glass of Auckland tap water.

Question: I want to bathe and shower with my hamster. Is there anything I need to be careful about, like water temperature or duration?

Fur fabric can withstand temperatures up to 70°C. The fuel cell will remain efficient for external temperatures up to 58°C. It's advisable, when taking a bath, to allow your RealHamster the occasional intake of air to ensure proper operation of the fuel cell and delivery of power to the hamster's cybernetics.

Question: Can water become trapped inside the hamster?

Not in anywhere that matters. A RealHamster can easily be dried inside and out in seconds with a hair dryer. Alternatively, the hamster can just be left running for half an hour to dry itself.

Question: Can I use my RealHamster as a pool toy?

Yes. Remember to negotiate the precise rules for hamster pool with the other player(s) before the game commences.

Question: How flexible are a RealHamster's joints?

A RealHamster's fur fabric and jointed skeleton are very flexible and will hold almost any position a real hamster could adopt. There are some positions which are more stressful on both the fur fabric and the internal cybernetics. A RealHamster cannot be twisted into a Möbius strip, squeezed into a singularity or made to accommodate anything larger than a Tomahawk cruise missile.

Question: How strong are the hamster's joints?

The RealHamster's joints are made strong, with steel!

Question: What is the range of the hamster's joints?

The RealHamster's joints have a very realistic range of movement – about 50-80 degrees or more, depending on the joint.

Question: How hard can a RealHamster be buggered?

Very hard. A RealHamster can safely withstand over 200 lbs of thrust.

Question: Are there any known health risks? How clean is it and how difficult is it to keep in a sanitary condition?

There are no known health risks associated with RealHamsters. Each RealHamster is put through the dishwasher as soon as the testing staff are finished with it. Keeping the hamster clean is easy. A RealHamster can be cleaned with soap and water, detergent or engine degreaser. Stubborn sticky bits can easily be dislodged with the tail end of the RPBP included in the accessory kit shipped with every RealHamster.

Question: What happens when the honeymoon is over and I feel that the hamster is not for me and wish to return it?

Nothing. Nothing will happen at all.

Question: Does it come with a warranty? What happens if it breaks?

RealHamsters are extremely rugged, but not designed to be subjected to any sort of abuse. Thermite butt-plugs, nuclear weapons and neckties are not recommended as they can seriously damage a RealHamster's cybernetics. Exposure to Shortland Street is right out.

We do not accept returns, but in the unlikely event of component failure, you can easily repair or replace the components yourself with parts from your local electronic, hydraulic, art supply, medical and cybernetic specialist stores.

Question: Can I change my mind and cancel after I place an order?

No. Choose your RealHamster carefully.

Question: Do you offer teledildonic RealHamsters?

Not yet. Our teledildonic hamsters are still in the development stage. Telebuggering works in principle but extra safety features need to be incorporated. One can never be quite sure what the other party intends to do with the remote hamster.

Question: Are RealHamsters Year 2000 compliant?

Yes. All RealHamster software and firmware have been thoroughly checked and verified for Year 2000 and Year 2038 compliance. You may bugger your RealHamster at any time, safe in the knowledge that no roll-over-induced Bobbitting malfunction will occur.